Mitigating the Madness

After a fairly normal weekend, I was looking forward to my next treatment of Spravato on Monday afternoon. I’ve been having troubles with sleeping lately and have been on somewhat of a sporadic sleep schedule. It’s been a sleep when my mind shuts down sort of schedule, which means I’ve gone anywhere from 24 to 32 hours without sleep. I’d noticed after my first week of treatment that my sleep schedule started becoming less hectic, and more normalized. It may seem like a such a small thing to some people, but for me the difference is amazing.

After my first treatment of the week, I woke up a bit early, 4:50am to be exact, but I had fallen asleep around 8 or 9 the previous night. Nearly eight hours of uninterrupted sleep! I thought about trying to go back to sleep, but I actually felt refreshed and ready to face the day. As the week has progressed my sleeping pattern has seemed to level out. I wake up early, but I also go to bed early. The great thing about this is it gives me some time by myself in the early morning that I can spend with my emotional support rats, but not so much time that I start to feel lonely.

I am Angry

Everyone around me is noticing the huge difference the Spravato treatment has made in my life. My doctors, therapists, pretty much everyone that knew or met me before I started. I am starting to feel amazing, and looking forward to a future, yet I am angry. It’s not a hot violent anger like when someone tries to hurt those I care about, it’s more of an outrage mixed with righteous indignation.

I had to go through hell for over twenty years before I could actually get help for my depression. Twenty years. Countless people before me didn’t get those twenty years. My stubborn Taurus ways and refusal to give up even in the darkest times gave me that time, where others…they simply couldn’t hang on that long.

I am angry for them.

I am angry that insurance companies choose profits over people. I’m angry that mental health, even now, is still somewhat taboo. I’m angry that people are scared to seek treatment or can’t afford treatment, and as a result they have to live through the hell that I’ve experienced.

I’ve known about ketamine as a treatment for depression since 2020. Where I lived at the time the only option was IV infusion, and insurance refused to cover it. There was no way that I could afford the treatment out of pocket.

Five years.

It’s okay though. I will do what I can to make sure no one else has to suffer like I’ve had to. I wouldn’t wish depression on my worse enemy, and that’s saying a lot for those that know me.

I now have access to treatment that helps, and ruminating on the past isn’t going to help. Think positive.

I feel wonderful. I’m on the verge of tears after my treatments because of how much of a difference they’ve made. I may have given over twenty years to depression, but now I’m taking back my life.

I get to live.