Mitigating the Madness

A Rough Night

The night after I took my second dose on week two, I had a pretty rough night. I felt like I was falling back into those nights where I couldn’t sleep and I was awake every hour or so. I was extremely anxious that the treatment wasn’t working any more, but when I finally fell asleep after much tossing and turning, I slept and woke up around 7am. A little later than my body had been waking up at, but I felt relieved that I wasn’t sinking back into depression.

After that scare, I have taken to telling myself that this is a process and I have to take things a day at a time. I’ve been depressed for so long that now when I have this treatment that works, I’m terrified of losing it or it’s effects. Now I’m in week three and when people ask me how I’m doing, that answer is “FANTASTIC!” A response that I never thought would cross pass my lips. I’m working up to creating a safe routine for myself now that I feel like I can function well enough to commit to something, even if it is small.

Feeling Guilty

The strangest feeling I am dealing with in this journey so far, is feeling guilty. My spouse also struggles with depression and like me has seen little relief from oral anti-depressants. There are times though, when I feel guilty for feeling so much better when she’s struggling so much. She has just started her Spravato treatment though, and I’m hoping that it helps her as much as it’s helped me.

I am trying though, to work through this guilt at feeling this drastically better but I can’t help but wonder why I’m feeling this way. Why do I feel guilty for getting better?

The Night Of Treatment

The last couple of treatments I’ve had a bit of a rough night afterwards. It isn’t the insomnia that used to keep me up for days though, it’s something totally different. I wake up a couple of times during the night with a dry mouth and extremely thirsty! I’ve heard a couple of other patients talk about feeling a bit dehydrated after their sessions as well. I started keeping a water bottle by my bed at night so when I wake up I can down half the bottle and go back to sleep. So far that’s working well for me, and it’s nothing completely new. I usually have the same thing happen when I use THC edibles to help ease the pain in my back.

I’m not sure if this is something that will continue or if it’s something that will pass in time, either way it isn’t enough to discourage me from continuing treatment. Next week I’ll try to drink more water the day of my treatment to see if that helps.

Overall

Next week will be the last week that I have two treatments a week, following that I step down to once a week and from there I suppose we shall see. I’m extremely happy though this treatment has completely changed my life. I don’t wake up feeling like I have to drag myself through another day. I feel like I can get control of my illnesses both mental and physical. After so much time drowning in the miasma of depression, I’m finally treading water, so to speak. There is finally truth for me in the statement, “It gets better.”